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fear, birthing, 30 days to go

30 days to go... I can't begin to tell you how those four words strike fear into my very core. I have anxiety about whether or not I am ready for this child to be outside of my womb. I don't really have a choice - he is coming and that is that. I am thrilled to meet my son, I already love him to tiny bits.

I have had a wonderful, intimate pregnancy. I have been happy and healthy those whole time. As my time draws nearer, I am sad to see the pregnancy go. I will miss his little movements. I will miss keeping him safe and sound in there. Once he arrives, a whole new set of worries will begin.

Right now, I am focused on labor and I'm thinking about the many ways it could go. I have some ideals, but after reading "Birthing from Within" I have learned that perhaps my birth plan needs to get tossed. There is nothing about labor and delivery that can be really planned and having one will only set me up for disappointment when things don't go exactly according to plan. That strikes a cord with me, and not just because it means I get to be less specific about "my plan." I am constantly setting myself for unrealistic expectations. I just wish I could really get my head around what is exactly going to happen. Not the scientific stuff, that I know.

My son moves and wiggles and flops around all day. It's an endearing feeling that I totally enjoy. So, for tonight at least, I'm going to stop worrying and just enjoy. I'm going to try to just enjoy the remainder of my time with him in my womb.