disconnected?

Something is causing a disconnect with some people in my life. I don't know what it is. Lately, I have been feeling like that person who always has crap going on in her life, so you avoid her so she doesn't talk to you about it. I knew someone like that once and I called him Sad Guy John. God, I hope I am not becoming one of those people. I just think the has been a rough year. Plus, I'm dealing with a whole new 8-year-old bundle of joy who lives with us, now. I think this must be what it's like to be all those people that keep dropping off the face of the planet the second they have kids. Formerly being a part-time step mom, this feeling of having no life never really surfaced until I started clocking in a full-time position here. I am now: Marla - full time step mom.

It's great spending so much time with Luke, because he's really a cool kid and I love him to pieces. But GOOD LORD he is a lot of delightful work. I take him to school, pick him up from school, do his homework with him, act as room parent in his classroom, participate in Cub Scout Den activities, attend school meetings and somehow try to run a home-based business and get a major fire-loss inventory done in there. It takes a lot of juggling and a lot of sacrifice. I gladly do the Luke stuff, because I enjoy seeing Luke flourish and succeed. I wouldn't do this if I didn't love him.

Every since the fire, people have said to me (and to others) on more than one occasion that they can't believe I haven't left. First of all, after I smack these people upside the head, I ask myself: what kind of deranged person wants a marriage to fail in the midst of crisis? We pulled together as a family. We got some counseling to get through some of the anger, pain and frustration and have really been quite tight since then. Second, what kind of jerk do these people think I am? This horrible accident happened and yes I was upset. But I was careful not to place blame and I certainly never thought of leaving my husband or step son behind. Sure, I wish things had gone differently, but all of us affected by the fire wish that the unchangeable past could be altered.

I am no hero for staying. This is my family. This is where I want to be. Maybe I need to keep telling myself that when I feel so terribly disconnected from what used to be my life. I'm still here. My life just got a lot more wonderfully complicated.