dark clouds...

No, not in my coffee, Carly.

Sometimes the storms of life swell around you and you seem to be caught in a current taking you further and further away from the upbeat person you used to be.

When my dad was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma in 2001, I went from optimistic to blaming God. It took some royal kicks in the butt to get back to throwing myself at Jesus' feet and hanging on for dear life. I am glad to say that because of that season, it has made this one easier to approach. Now, easier is not easy. Watching my dad go through this has been the hardest thing I think I have had to do, yet. He has new pain. New pain is not good when you're fighting new pain on top of new pain. I'm "in it" guys. I'm in what seems like a dark, dark season of life. And the reality is that there's a strong possibility (that no one seems to be admitting) that he won't make it.

We're planning a family trip, so that we can spend time together while he's still feeling well. Which is a little upsetting. I know we should all live like there's no tomorrow, but planning for the absence of tomorrow is terrifying and unsettling.

"Don't despair, there is still hope," I keep telling myself. There is always hope, even on your deathbed, there is the promise of hope. The doctors haven't been overly helpful in telling me what's going on and my parents are protecting me, I think. Of course, I find it insulting to discover that at almost 30, my parents are trying to protect me. Ok, it's sweet in a way, but it's infuriating when you just want to know what's going on. Of course, I'm too scared to call the oncologist myself. Here's what I know:
- He's on A LOT of morphine and the cancer seems to be spreading rapidly.
- He's on chemotherapy, but we won't know if it's working for a bit.
- He has a bone marrow biopsy next week.

God has been so good to us. He has brought my mom to a real faith in Him and she's walking the walk. We're all praying and holding onto the Truth. I can't believe how hard it is for me to go through the motions of the day - like nothing is wrong. And if I say something is wrong, I'm faced with a multitude of comments ranging from the highly inappropriate to the heart-warming. I am running a gamut - literally. Trying to move forward, dodging the people who I know will say something odd, running from my tears and feeling ridiculous for being SO emotional all the time.

TOTALLY RANDOM SIDE NOTE: Stay tuned for my plans to go on a mission to South Africa. If you haven't joint the one campaign - do it today.