sick and questioning

Well, it's official. I am sick. I seem to get the flu whenever I have been running too hard for too long.

I need advice. You see, I have a really hard time saying "no." When it comes to serving God, I feel like there is no such thing as "no." How can you say no to Christ?

So, about four months ago, I made the decision to take a break from the team that I lead. This is not a responsible thing for a leader to do, but there was no one to take over and I felt like I was going to snap. I started to feel afraid to step through the church doors, because I knew someone was going to ask something of me and I wouldn't be able to say no. So I have been on hiatus. My intent was to take a break and come back feeling refreshed. I have not reached the refreshed point. It seems like the break actually took me further way from my ministry and lead me in a different direction.

I recently worked on a mail out for the church and I really felt like I was pushing through it, but not doing it joyfully. I love design work. I really do. But for some reason this project just sucked the creativity right out of me and I was not happy with the end product. This is a piece that went out to 50,000 homes! I feel like I totally failed for God, because I didn't have my heart in the right place.

I feel drained and emotionally empty from life. My dad hasn't been doing well (in fact he was recently hospitalized due to complications with his chemotherapy drugs). That weighs heavily on my soul. My stupid THREE jobs keep me insanely busy and overworked. Lately I have had a rush of important events to be a part of, I have a social schedule from hell and work that keeps piling up on me. I feel like I'm running, running, running and not getting anywhere. I am almost glad that I'm sick so that I have a legitimate reason to stay in bed today. What is wrong with me?

Here's the really bad part: I am supposed to be putting together the church newsletter and I just am not into it. In fact, I resent people asking me about it. I even resent the church staff for asking me about it. I know it's all me. I know I am the one who's over committing. I think a part of me was hoping that people would be more understanding about why things aren't getting done. But I understand that life goes on and cannot wait for me. The church is doing a huge push for fund-raising and increasing attendance (we're trying to build a bigger building to fit everyone). So it's a paradox, I guess. It makes sense that I should be saying yes, but the whole thing makes me consider leaving my church - just so I don't have a to deal with it.

I don’t know if it’s safe for me to be there and in a place of leadership. I am not embodying their vision. I feel so selfish, guilty and embarrassed that I just can’t seem to pull it together. What would you do?