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11.14.2005


and just like that, friends will let you down

Today I had a disturbing IM chat with a friend of mine. We have been friends since college. We have made every effort to stay in touch, even though our lives are running 100 MPH in different directions. She may say that we don't get together enough, and that is true, but whether or not she believes it, I truly do try to see her as often as I can. My life, just as result of being married, a stepmom, a business owner and leader in my church keeps me a tad more obligated than hers does. That is not a judgment, but a statement of the difference between our lives.

Justin and I tightened the reigns on our budget this weekend. Essentially, we have $35 for entertainment expenses for the rest of November. This is because we went to Las Vegas for my brother-in-law's birthday last weekend. Originally, this friend was going to come over to my house and then we were going to go out to a nice dinner. We were talking about hitting the city and everything. In fact, she was going to stay over. However, after the budget reanalysis, I realized that I could not afford to go out on the town. So, I left her message asking if I could cook for her and then go to a movie or something after that.

When I IMed her this morning to ask her if she got my message, she went-on to confirm that she got it and that she needed to "bitch" about the situation. She claimed that hanging-out with me meant that she had to compromise on what she wanted to do. Like we can't go shopping or go out to eat... (As you know, I am still on the shopping-fast.) She then, generously, offered to pay for me if I could not afford it - just so we could do what she wanted to do. Well, this really upset me. I replied to her saying that she was being self-centered and that I didn't tell her that and offer to cook dinner, so that she pay for the night out. I told her that I could not afford it and that if she did not understand that, then she should not hang out with me. I then typed a cryptic "Forget it" and logged off.

When I left that message for her last night, I honestly expected her to be totally understanding and be somewhat excited that I was cooking for her. I didn't try to cancel our meeting. We were still going to get together. I guess, in her eyes, it's not hanging out, unless you spend money. I don't quite understand what her problem is - other than I seem to be a friend who cannot afford the lifestyle she leads and it brings her down.

I am so mad and hurt right now. If someone close to me said that they couldn't afford to do what I had suggested (or what was planned) and then offered to cook - I would totally understand and try to meet them where they are. I wouldn't try to force my desires on them, making them feel inferior and bad about their honest attempt to be responsible. To me, friends, that is not generosity. It is selfish and it is elitist. Anyway, needless to say, I am now free on Saturday night and shy one friend.

7 Comments:

At 11/14/2005 12:32 PM, Blogger Jen Left a note...

Sorry, pretty Bean, but this is often the way of it. Some friends will get it, and some friends won't. And for every one that doesn't, there will eventually be a new one that does.

In your own words, love: reason, season or lifetime. It's surprising who falls into which category, isn't it?

 
At 11/14/2005 4:59 PM, Blogger Marla Bean Left a note...

I know. That whole thing surprises me to NO END.

 
At 11/14/2005 8:45 PM, Anonymous nate Left a note...

Well, on my behalf, I am delighted to accept an invitation for mala & justin delight! December 2 would be wonderful. We'll work out the details!

and thank you, for everything!

 
At 11/15/2005 8:49 AM, Blogger Jesse and Melissa Left a note...

That is a little strange about your friend not wanting to come over for dinner.

By the way, maybe sometime after Jesse and I get married we should go shopping together. Hopefully by then you are off your shopping-fast. Jesse is always telling me I would have a good time shopping with you. I wonder why...

 
At 11/15/2005 6:13 PM, Blogger Ricky Left a note...

Hi. I feel like you leaving a comment that has nothing to do with your posting. Nicki and I are supposed to come over, right? Cool. Real cool. :)

 
At 11/19/2005 10:35 AM, Blogger Darlene Left a note...

You can cook me dinner. What time? I'll bring the raspberry cordial.

 
At 11/21/2005 2:55 PM, Blogger Marla Bean Left a note...

Darlene, as long as it's cordial and not currant wine. :)

 

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